Posted in Fun, Happiness, Human Tendency, Humour, Life, Sarcasm, Sarcastic, Single, Slogging

Yes, I am Single but not ready to mingle

Statutory Warning: This blog is a tribute to all the Single souls out there. Oops, I forgot to mention one important thing i.e. Single souls by ‘choice’. So all the Single souls enjoy this blog and feel proud of ‘Being Single’. After all, until the time you are single, you hold the position of the most eligible bachelor/spinster on earth. At the same time, this blog will also reveal the harsh truth about the matchmakers who are obsessed with snatching away the freedom of every single soul, “which comes under their radar”. So I urge every such matchmaker to stay away from this blog, as it is definitely going to brutally hurt your emotions and crush your so called ‘caring’ feelings, especially towards singles. On the contrary, to be very frank, actually this blog is meant to serve that purpose only, so I don’t care if it hurts your social endeavour, in any manner. And yes, the genuine matchmakers who don’t irritate, but rather help in meeting the ‘interested’ persons, should not be bothered about the facts mentioned herewith, because this blog solely talks about the ‘irritating matchmakers’.


First of all, I would like to raise my palm to give a high-five to all the ‘happy’ Single souls on the planet earth. Oh, My God, so many of you are there and you all actually seem to be happy. Wait a minute, after considering the number of Happy Singles, I just changed my mind and I would better not opt to do a high-five to each one of you personally, as it is surely going to pain my ‘manicured’ palms. Okay now stop laughing on my ignorance, I acknowledge the fact that I am not aware whether palms are wrapped up in the package of manicure or not. I don’t waste money on manicures and pedicures (free coupons are always welcomed though). Anyway, let me do a mass high-five to all of you. Welcome to the gang guys.

I am sure every Single Soul, must have come across the super obsessed matchmakers at some point in their life. Gosh, these matchmakers are a real pain in the _________. Pleaseeeee guys don’t be abusive in your thoughts. I meant that they are a pain in the entire body. However, by any chance, if you are single, yet you escaped such irritating encounter with any matchmaker then you should feel proud of being extremely lucky and blessed.

Nevertheless, I am sorry to disappoint you but today I will surely break that record of yours and annoy you with a series of questions/statements that those irritating matchmakers consistently throws towards the Single souls. At the same time, I will also enlighten you with the answers that come to my mind against those idiotic questions. Just in case, you thought that I am brave enough to reply them with these answers, I would simply say that I wish I could. Alas, all these answers I keep inside my mind and don’t vomit on the face of matchmakers. You know, after all, I have to maintain my reputation and behave well in front of the world, so that I don’t lose that crown of “Most Eligible Bachelor” (As if I care for such crowns). Anyway, tighten your waist belts and let me hit your mind with the series of common questions/statements that are usually fired by the irritating matchmakers towards the singles –

  • What is your age? 1) Sorry to say but I have crossed the marriage age long ago and will be eligible for the annuity by the next month. Ans. 2) Unfortunately for you, I have attained the age where I can take decisions on my own.
  • Why aren’t you getting married 1) Whom are you going to poke if I also get married? Ans. 2) So that you can entertain yourself, time and again, with your annoying interrogation.
  • Tell me if you have someone in your life or anyone in your mind 1) Yes, Yes, why not? After all, you are the only person on earth whom I trust to share my secrets. Ans. 2) So that you can gossip about it to everyone else right?
  • You will not find a right match after a certain age 1) Oh! Are you going to retire from this noble job and wouldn’t be there in the near future to find a right match for me? Ans. 2) Wouldn’t it be great because that will indeed save someone’s life from getting spoiled because of me?
  • There is a right age of everything 1) What is the right age when a person should legally stop interfering in someone else’s personal life? Ans. 2) Please tell me the age which “as per your criteria” qualifies to be the maximum age of marrying, so that the next time you ask me, I will ensure to have crossed that age without fault.
  • At least think about your parents, how much worried they are about your marriage 1) Oh really? Are they? But to me, you sound more worried than my parents. Do you have any plans to adopt me? Ans. 2) Aren’t you the one who keeps asking my parents awkward questions about my marriage to make them worry? However, sorry to disappoint you but my parents are also cool like me; they don’t care about the crap you spit out.
  • Who will be there with you in your old age 1) Are you sure I am going to survive that long? On the contrary, I think I might be hanged soon for killing a matchmaker. Ans. 2) I am too hot to catch the attention of all the eyes, even in my old age.
  • Are you physically alright 1) Why don’t you spent a night with me and enjoy oops confirm for yourself? Ans. 2) My mind could not come up with anything better than the first answer to this question. I literally laugh and they start thinking that I have gone mad, so they stop poking me with any more questions.

I am sure after knowing the kind of questions these people ask, everyone must be super excited to know the secret behind their energy. So, on your behalf, with utmost due disrespect, I would ask the lovely matchmakers that what is the secret behind their energy? I mean do you guys ever get tired? Can’t you leave the happy single souls on their fate?

However, there is also a positive side to such matchmakers. I mean they are so focused on their job that we all, especially the sales professionals should learn from them how to irritate, convince and mould people as per our own wish. Yes, their success rate is unbeatable. They are able to snatch away the freedom of a lot of single souls. Their dedication towards their passion is commendable. They have all the qualities to be awarded a ‘Doctorate in Leeching’. They are actually ‘Human Leech’. If anyone wants to pursue Doctorate in Leeching then without any arguments such people are an institution in themselves. Their life should be adopted as a case study. By studying their life, we can conclude that some of the must-have attributes in a real successful matchmaker are Dedicated, Passionate, Non-Egoistic, Shameless, Brain Washer, Irritating, Illogical, Go-getter and Never accept a no.

These Match Makers don’t leave a single place to hunt for their next prey. You can see them hunting in social gatherings like marriages, parties, formal/informal meetings. They go to the extent that they don’t leave any chance to find out single souls even in an obituary gathering or an official meet, as well. I mean they should first get their mind fixed and then think of fixing others. In medical terms, such people are known as a psychopath. They even act as a consultant to the families of Single souls. They suggest the families a number of ‘time-tested’ emotional tactics to convince the happy Singles to get locked in the bond of marriage. They are the reason of all the melodramas occurring in our life, all of a sudden, with the focus of everyone around us shifting to the single agenda of getting us married. I mean I don’t have a problem and I am not against the custom of marriage, but why to force someone to get into that and then feel suffocated later.

On a serious note, I would like to suggest the matchmakers that they should be much more scientific in their approach and hunt for unhappy single souls to ruin their life, instead of wasting their “not so precious” time on the happy singles. Nowadays, there are a lot of data analytics and customer taste-predicting companies, which will be more than eager to help you find the unhappy singles. Take help of them and use their services to hunt for your next prey. At the same time, I would also suggest that why don’t you do an introspection about whether in this era of social networking do you guys even fit anywhere in the society? I mean wake up before it’s too late and you start suffocating in this world, where no one might be ready to seek your help in matchmaking.

I would rather like to top up a word ‘Match Fakers’ for all those who think that it is their birthright to irritate and brainwash every single happy soul and get them fixed, by hook or by crook, “with the match suggested by them”.

So all the Single souls now you know that there is nothing to worry about the match fakers and there is absolutely no need to get into any kind of social pressure. Just relax and enjoy your life because you are not travelling alone in this journey, we all are there with you. Just in case, you find someone right to spend your life with, you can surely resign from our ‘Single Soul Club’ and we will be happy to release you because we don’t force people to stay in our club. We just want people to be happy whether or not they are single. And those of you who actually started thinking that there is any such club, in reality, I would just say that not on papers but at hearts we are surely connected and we don’t need a club. After all, this is an era of virtual social networks, who cares about real clubs.

Enjoy ‘Being Single’, stay happy and keep smiling. God bless you all and may the almighty give good sense to the obsessed match fakers too.

Be in touch!

 

Peyush Jain