Posted in Fart, Fun, Human Tendency, Humour, Sarcasm, Sarcastic, Slogging

Fart – A Scientific Art

For all those who are having any doubt about the topic of this blog, let me make it very clear that this blog is literally about the “Real” Fart. Yes, you read it right, the very same fart that all of us release out, but none of us ever want to accept that we are the one who gestated and delivered that fart. Now please, come out of that shock mode, everyone is aware that you fart too. However, accept my apologies for “busting” that illusionary bubble of yours. Because if not me, then who else will think about the pain of a fart? Alas, the poor fart is always left alone to flow as per its fate. So this blog is a tribute to the parentless child named as Fart.

Fart is a Scientific Art”. Why it is Scientific is because of the obvious reason that the entire process of farting is in itself an outcome of a scientific activity going on in our body. But this blog is not to educate on the scientific process, so we will only concentrate on the artistic side of the fart. Now, I am pretty sure that you must be eager to know that why I referred Fart as an Art. Yes, you guessed it right, I am insane. However, that is not the reason behind referring it as an art. And, I am extremely sorry to say, but I am not going to “break the wind” so easily. Hence, you have to patiently read the blog till the end, to figure out the artistic blend associated with the fart.

First of all, let us refer Word Web, the “free” dictionary to know the meaning of Fart. The dictionary defines Fart as “A reflex that expels intestinal gas through the anus”. Now, to expand the fart, Oops, I mean to expand the meaning of the word fart, I further elaborated the words like a reflex, expels, gas and anus from the above-mentioned definition. The outcome is a detailed definition of Fart which expels like this “An automatic instinctive unlearned reaction to a stimulus, that forces to move out the intestinal fluid in the gaseous state having neither independent shape nor volume and being able to expand indefinitely, through the excretory opening at the end of the alimentary canal”. This is the best definition of fart that I can come up with and the entire credit goes to Word Web, the “free” dictionary (as always, the emphasis is on the word free).

Now, I have to admit that I am laughing uncontrollably after reading the expanded definition of fart. The words “Automatic unlearned reaction having neither independent shape nor volume and being able to expand indefinitely”, makes me remember some of the weirdest incidences that my ears and nose ever encountered. Gosh! I am really insane, who else on earth will remember such yuck incidences. I should better consult a doctor and get my head checked thoroughly before it’s too late. Note: I consciously mentioned head instead of a brain in the last sentence.

So, after getting well versed with the detailed definition of the word fart, I think it’s the right time to unveil the secret behind referring Fart as an Art. Well, it as an art because there is an artistic blend in breaking the wind out without getting noticed, playing it safe and if, by any chance, you got stuck in an embarrassing situation then how to come out of it with dignity. I will throw some light on this art later in the blog. However, for mastering the art you have to enroll for the “Bachelor in Farts” course. What? You never heard about that course? Okay, in that case, I will take the pain to start that course solely for you.

I, strongly recommend that every individual should be taught and certified as a “Bachelor in Farts”. Especially, those people who feel proud in farting out loud. Yes, there are people out there who really feel proud in showcasing their farting talent. I don’t know what goes in their mind and what is their motto behind it, but that’s the hard-core reality that many people do Fart Out Loud (FOL), with the utmost force they can, while moving their legs in different angles, and to our surprise they don’t stop then and there, but further accompany it with a sigh of relief like Aaahhhh, after which you can witness the pride that runs on their face. It seems as if they have won a war against an enemy who was “backstabbing” them. I mean, it’s still fine if such people are not ashamed of their act, but at least they should realize it, that there is nothing in fart to feel proud about. On the contrary, the hearing and smelling senses of the people who are party to their explosion are at stake. So with due respect, to all such people who are obsessed with the public display of their farting talent, I would like to say that you guys owe a mass apology to the entire universe, not because you fart, but because you feel proud of your inhuman talent. All such people should take some learning from this blog.

Now, coming back to the artistic side of fart, there could be broadly three circumstances which may land us in an embarrassing situation and one can come out from it only in an artistic manner. These three circumstances will highlight the step by step artistic procedure to be followed in order to save ourselves from getting humiliated because of farting in public.

  • At times of emergency, when it is not possible to control and we could not find a place to defecate in the vicinity. The artistic procedure to be followed in order to release a fart in public in such circumstances is –
  1. Rush to the nearest secluded place.
  2. Look around to ensure that none of the ear holes and nostril hairs is in the vicinity.
  3. Release the fart in a muted mode.
  4. Without wasting any moment vacate that area.
  5. Mingle in the crowd with a smile, as if nothing really happened.
  6. Mission Accomplished. Over and Out!!!
  7. However, be ready to face any charges if someone gets fainted because of inhaling any kind of poisonous gas or if someone got deaf for a few minutes after hearing some loud explosion etcetera.
  • At times of extreme emergency, when it is not possible to control and we could not even move i.e. no other option but to fart at the very place we are at that moment. The artistic procedure to be followed in order to release a fart in public in this situation is –
  1. Follow step number 3 to 6 from the above process.
  2. However, please note that probability of occurrence of point number 7 is higher in this situation.
  • At all other times, when the automatic unlearned reaction blasts out loud just like that, all eyes turns towards us and our center is actually a centre of attraction. In a nutshell when we have landed into an embarrassing situation of farting out loud in public. The artistic procedure to be followed in order to come out of this humiliating situation is –
  1. Since we neither got the chance to follow any of the above-mentioned steps nor could we control it from blasting, as it already exploded in an unlearned and unmuted state. So we can’t run away from taking the responsibility of our baby in this situation.
  2. Hence, without any shame, we have to acknowledge the fact that we are the single parent of that fart.
  3. After acknowledging the fact, we should start lecturing people about the benefits of farting, as much as we can. This means more than what we actually know about the subject. It will be best if we can include real life incidences, which lead to the occurrence of major illness from controlling fart, etcetera. All in all, it’s our attempt to prove that why farting is important for the very existence of the living beings and that one must not feel ashamed about it. But yes no need to educate them about what we ate, that made us fart (they obviously know it by then).
  4. Finally, it is advisable to leave the place immediately after that, because people need to breathe properly and also they need to gossip and laugh at our brave attempt. So better vacate that area before we are adjudged as a culprit for mass fainting.

So, now you are aware of the artistic blend of fart too. I sincerely hope that this blog will at least turn the FOL people into decent farting souls. Keep your doubts aside and feel relieved after breaking the wind in a “decent manner”. However, don’t take it as an excuse that you can fart freely. I mean at the very first place check what you eat and secondly don’t be a reason for the global warming. Lastly and most importantly, dare you if you do that when I am around. Mind it that at all such times, when I am in your vicinity, you have no other option but to control your fartilicious intentions.

At the end of this blog, I would like to state to all those who think that fart is not a part of their life and to all those who are looking at me with disgraceful eyes that “Guys excuse me please because I am very human”. Pooh! The Sigh of Relief.

Peyush Jain